Intro Tune (.wav file)

 Jerry
"Hello, Newman" (.au file)

"Hello, Newman" (kind of weird) (.au file)

"Mulva..."  (.au file)

"Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you." (.wav file)

"I don't want your boys down there..."  (.au file)

"Well, now we're getting somewhere!" (.au file)

"The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses - in mid-air, mind you - makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left side. That is one magic loogie" (.au file)

Sidra : "And by the way; they're real...
Jerry: Ah!
Sidra: ...and they're spectacular!" (.au file)

"Butros-Butros Ghali."  (.au file)

Jerry: "Oh wow-  that's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it?
Jack Klampus: Oh it was a gift.
Jerry: Oh-  'cause lots of times I write in bed, and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work.
Jack: Take the pen.
Jerry:Oh no.
Jack: Go ahead.
Jerry: I couldn't!
Jack: Come on! Take the pen!
Jerry: I can't take it!
Jack: Do me a personal favor!
Jerry: No- I'm not comfortable!
Jack: Take the pen!
Jerry: I cannot take it.
Jack: Take the pen!
Jerry: Are you sure?
Jack: I'm positive. Take the pen.
Jerry: Ok. Thank you very much. Thank you, gee, boy." (zipped .wav file)
 
Jerry's Girlfriend: "Hi Shmoopie.
Jerry: Hi Shmoopie.
Girlfriend: No, you're shmoopie!
Jerry: You're Shmoopie!" (zipped .wav file)

Jerry's Mom: "Jerry was necking during Schindlers List?
Newman: Yes! And a more offensive spectacle I cannot recall! Anyway, I just really came up to get some detergent.
Jerry's Mom: Jerry sends his laundry out.
Newman: Oh, Right. Well It was nice seeing you folks, and by the way- you didn't hear this from me. Ta Ta! (evil chuckle)" (zipped .wav file)

Jerry: "Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops! Everyday it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out, but the more you get out the more it comes in!  Then the bar code reader breaks and PUBLISHER'S CLEARING HOUSE DAY!" (.wav file)

"I don't know exactly how to pronounce it but I believe it's 'Menage a Trois'" (.wav file)

"Alright, NOW YOU LISTEN AND YOU LISTEN GOOD!" (.wav file)

"You realize, of course, you're naked." (.wav file)
 
"Oh, I know the chunky the left these chunkies- NEWMAN!" (.wav file)

"Damn Mohel, he circumcised my finger, the Mohel circumcised my finger!" (.wav file)

"Looking at Cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it...it's too risky, you get a sense of it then you look away!" (.wav file)

"Look to the cookie.  Look to the cookie. Look to the cookie."  (.wav file)

Jerry: "There was no pick! I did  not pick! There was no pick!
Woman: I gotta go.
Jerry: Wait, no, no pick!" (.wav file)

"I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cause I need wood around me. Wood, Jerry. Woooood."  (.au file)

"Ah, the motherload."  (.au file)

"If ya gonna cut him open, his guts will be all over the place."  (.au file)

"And I screamed out: I'M HIT!" (.au file)

"Whooh! It's like a sauna in here!" (.au file)

Track Guy: "But it's a little slow out there, it rained last night.
Kramer: Oh this baby loves the slop, loves it, eats it up.  Eats the slop.  Born to slop.  His father was a mudder."
Track Guy: His father was a mudder.
Kramer: His mother was a mudder.
Track Guy: His mother was a mudder?
Kramer: What did I just say?" (zipped .wav file)

Soup Nazi: "You are the only one who understands me.
Kramer: You suffer for your soup.
Soup Nazi: Yes, that is right.
Kramer: You demand perfection from yourself, from your soup.
Soup Nazi: How can I tolerate any less from my customer?
(Customer comes in)
Customer: Gazpacho, por favor.
Soup Nazi: Por favor?
Customer: Oh, I'm part Spanish.
Soup Nazi: Adios, Muchacho!" (zipped .wav file)

"Hey, you should come over- Tonight's pipe night!" (zipped .wav file)

Jackie Chiles (the lawyer): "Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance?
Kramer: No. No, it didn't say anything.
Jackie: So you are a victim. And now your face is sallow, unattractive... disgusting!
Kramer: So Jackie, do think we got a case?
Jackie: Your face is my case!" (zipped .wav file)

Kramer: "Jackie, you did it- we're rich!
Jackie Chiles: You better believe it. Jackie's cashing in on your wretched disfigurement!" (zipped .wav file)

"I'm dangerous, Jerry! I'm very very dangerous!" (zipped .wav file)

"Well we're talking with Elaine Benes, adult film star, on the set of her new picture- Elaine Does The Upper West Side." (zipped .wav file)

Newman: "I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man, when I excused myself to call my friend, as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker." (zipped .wav file)

Newman: "But you never became a banker, did you Mr. Kramer? Why? Why did you fail?
Kramer: I don't know!
Newman: It's because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't that true?" (zipped .wav file)

Kramer: "You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.
Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.
Kramer: I loathe you.
Newman: I loathe you!" (.wav file)

"Hey! Who wants to have some FUN!?" (.wav file)

"Now you just saying you want to have fun, or do you really wanna have FUN!?" (.wav file)
 
"There's a naked woman across the street!" (.wav file)

"Don't do it for my sake.  God knows I don't ask you for much! Now c'mon, please Jerry, I'm beggin' ya! Please! C'mon! Please!" (.wav file)

"So you're all in here together! Well how convienent. I hope you're all very proud of yourselves." (.wav file)

"I'm Cosmo Kramer, The Assman!" (.wav file)

"They're smooth, creamy, delicate.. yet masculine." (.wav file)

"Uh, yeah, Dr. Cosmo Kramer, Proctology." (.wav file)

"Did you ever wear silk underwear?" (.wav file)

"Uh. How do you wear these things? They're bagging up, they're riding in. There's nothing holding me in place! I'm flipping, I'm floppin. What am I gonna do?  Jerry, I'm going crazy!" (.wav file)

"I need the secure packaging of Jockeys.  My boys need a house." (.wav file)

George
"Mulva..." (.au file)

Man : "You double dipped the chip!
George: ''Double dipped''? What... what're you talking about?
Man: You dipped the chip, you took a bite... and you dipped again!
George: So?
Man: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip!
George: Huh?
Man: From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!" (.au file)

George's co-worker: "Hey George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp!"-  (.wav file)

"Well the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!"  (.wav file)

"I was in the pool! I was in the pool!" (.au file)

MY FAVORITE Sound file- George's greeting message on the answering machine (.wav file):
Believe it or not, George isn't at home
So leave a message at the beep
I must be out or I'd pick up the phone
Where could I be?
Believe it or not...I'm not home!
>beep<

Estelle Costanza: "I go out for a quart of milk. I come home and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park." (zipped .wav file)

George's Date: "Thank you for a wonderful time, George.
George: I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Date: I haven't had a Big Mac in a long time." (zipped .wav file)

"George: Bread. Beautiful.
Soup Nazi: You're pushing your luck, little man!" (zipped .wav file)

George's Coworker: "I'll get you the Penski file and you can start working on that.
George: Yes, of course. The Penski file. I can't wait to start working on that. Wow, that Penski." (zipped .wav file)

George: "Let me ask you something- what do you do for a living?
Newman: I'm a United States Postal Worker." (.wav file)

Frank Costanza: "How long's it take to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds." (.wav file)

Steinbrener: "Next thing you know it's chaos. And I can tell you this- chaos does not work for the New York Yankees- not as long as I'm running the show!" (zipped .wav file)

Steinbrener: "Well, he had been logging some pretty heavy hours- first one in the morning, last one to leave at night. That kid was a human dynamo.
Estelle: Are you sure you're talking about George?
Steinbrener: You are Mr. and Mrs. Costanza?
Frank Costanza: What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for? He had 30 home runs, over 100 RBI's last year. He's got a rocket for an arm. You don't know what the hell you're doin'!" (zipped .wav file)

Frank (Leaving Jerry A Message): "Jerry it's Frank Costanza, Steinbrener's here, George is dead, Call me back." (zipped .wav file)

George: "I managed to survive on grubs and puddle water until a kindly old gentleman picked me up.
Steinbrener: Grubs, huh... I've got to admit- I've never tasted one of those." (zipped .wav file)

"I just thought of a name for myself if I ever become a porno star." (.wav file)

 "You Be NICE!" (.wav file)

"What did they do for toilet paper in the Civil War?" (.wav file)

"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli." (.wav file)

George: "I love you.
Woman: I'm hungry, let's get something to eat." (.wav file)

"I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body." (.wav file)

"No one's a bigger idiot than me." (.wav file)

"First she screams, GEORGE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MY GOD!" (.wav file)

George: "My name is George.  I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Woman: I'm Victoria, Hi." (.wav file)

Elaine
"You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool." (.au file)

"Oooh, look who's here... Silicon Valley." (.au file)

"Maybe the Dingo ate your Baby..." (.wav file)

"It's true, I'm George, I'm George!"  (.wav file)

"Oh boy, she's a Wacko!" (.wav file)

"OOOOH WOW! A COMMIE! (.wav file)

Mr. Peterman: "Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, 'cause I can't take my eyes off the passion!" (zipped .wav file)

"Mr. Peterman: I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was traveling to Yanksee in search of a Mongolian horse-head vest. I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone. But a different sort of trader still lurked about. Just a taste he said. That was all it took.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
Mr. Peterman: Oh Elaine-  The tall road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price- Your soul." (zipped .wav file)

Mr. Peterman: "And there, tucked into the river's bend, was the object of my search. The Guan Jia River Market." (zipped .wav file)

Soup Nazi: "No soup for you! Come back -- one year! NEXT!" (zipped .wav file)

"You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you! NEXT!" (zipped .wav file)

Dialogue/Miscellaneous
Kramer: "Huh?
George: What kind of operation is it?
Kramer: Spleenectomy.
George: Isn't that where they remove the...
Kramer: No, no, don't ruin it for me, I havent's seen it yet!"  (.au file)

Kramer: "Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint -it's delicious.
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing." (.au file)

Kramer: "Oh, come on. You wanna go?
Jerry: All right, all right, just let me finish my coffee, then we'll go watch them slice this fat bastard up." (.au file)

George: "Interest, an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything.
Jerry: You know, I have some friends who try and base their whole life on that principle.
George : Really? Who?
Jerry : Nobody you know." (.au file)

Elaine : 'It shrinks?
Jerry : Like a frightened turtle!" (.au file)

Jerry: "Ah, Elaine, this is my aunt Stella.
Elaine: Stellaaa! Stellaaaaaaa!" (zipped .wav file)

George: 'I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.
Jerry: You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend.
George: Yes, yes, yes.
Jerry: The bad fiancé, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk.
George: Ok, the point is made.
Jerry: The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... The bad tipper!"

Kramer: "Jerry, George got arrested!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, he went down at the beakman. he tried to lamb, but they cheezed him!
Jerry: Oh, now I see." (zipped .wav file)

Kramer: "Jerry, you know my face is my livelihood. Everything I have, I owe to this face. It's my allure,  my- my twinkle.
Jerry: You know, your teeth are all brown.
Kramer: Look away! I'm hideous!" (zipped .wav file)

George: "You're doing all the legwork.
Kramer: That's right!
George: He's ripping you off!
Kramer: You're right- He's ripping  me off!
George: If anybody should be getting more- it's you.
Kramer: He's ripping me off!" (zipped .wav file)

Kramer: "Ah, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless... a man of temptations. But what tempts you?
George: Huh?
Kramer: You're a portly fella. A bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no no. Yours is a sweet tooth.
George: Get outta' here.
Kramer: Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master- The Coco Bean!" (zipped .wav file)

Jerry: "Pulp couldn't make it across the table.
George: Pulp can move baby!" (zipped .wav file)

Jerry: "I'm gonn' hire you as my latex salesman?
George: Right.
Jerry: I don't think so." (zipped .wav file)

Enzo the barber: "Not everybody like-a Newman. So loyal.
Newman: Yep- Just the way that I was raised. I'm special." (zipped .wav file)

Newman: "Hmm. That job sounds like it might be worth a years' free haircuts. And a comb." (zipped .wav file)

Jackie Chiles (the lawyer): "O'Henry- that's one of our top selling candy bars. It's got chocolate, peanuts, nougat. It's delicious, scrumptious... outstanding!" (zipped .wav file)

Jackie: "Your Honor- we request at this time that Miss. Mishkie try on... the bra." (zipped .wav file)

Jackie: "You can't let the defendant have control of the key piece of  evidence. Plus she's trying it on over a leotard. Of course a bra isn't going to fit over a leotard. A bra has to fit right up against a persons skin. Like A Glove!" (zipped .wav file)
George: "That's Unbelievable!
Jerry: Oh it's a scene man"! (.wav file)

Elaine: "You know, we had a bad break-up.
Jerry: The jujyfruits?
Elaine: Yeah, the jujyfruits." (.wav file)

George: "Should I call Susan?
Kramer: Now What does the little man inside of you say? You gotta listen to the little man." (.wav file)

Kramer: "WHAT?
Jerry: THE MASSAGES ARE OUT!
Kramer: WHAT?
Jerry: AAAHHH, THEY'RE OUT!" (.wav file)

Jerry: "So everybody I know is a character on the show.
George: Right!
Jerry: And it's about nothing.
George: Absolutly nothing." (.wav file)

George: "My mother caught me.
Jerry: Caught you, caught you doin' what?
George: You know." (.wav file)

Elaine:  "Wa Wa Wa...
Jerry: Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you shut up?" (.wav file)

George: "A Bubble Boy?
Jerry: Yes, a Bubble Boy!
Elaine: What's a Bubble Boy?
Jerry: He lives in a bubble!
George: Boy!" (.wav file)

Jerry: "And what about you? Trying to milk and inocent bystander out of a family fortune built on sweat and toil manufacturing quality O-Henry!Candybars for honest hard-working Americans!
Kramer: You're just out for sex!
Jerry: You're just out for money!
Kramer: Ahhhhh!" (.wav file)

* Sounds I am currently looking for:
"Whatley!"- Jerry
Any sounds where Geroge says "Art Vandalay".
The whole thing with Newman and the brocoli/honey mustard (especially "vile weed!")
"Mr. Marbles? Is that you? Mr. Marbles?"- Jerry
Something from the "Pulp Fiction"-Harvey Keitel-the Cleaner-Newman thing they had  ("It's a rental.")
If you have these sounds or know pages that do, please E-mail me about them.

* The majority of  the above sounds are taken from these pages:
http://seinfeld.sogaard.com
http://www.asb.com/usr/jberry/seinfeld.htm
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/1921/index.html
http://users.aol.com/dambalah/seinfeld/index.htm
If the maintainers of these pages wish to have the sounds that belong to them removed, please E-mail me.

yoshi@bart.nl